THINGS HE NEVER KNEW

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CHAPTER ONE.

Paris in 1996 was busy; far busier than she’d expected. She hadn’t done a huge amount of research – there hadn’t been time – but it was loud, noisy and thronging with people. Mostly chic businesswomen as far as Steph could tell. She longed to join their ranks and dress like they did, to wear her hair in a neat chignon and carry a tasteful leather bag. She glanced down at her own battered jeans and t-shirt. One day, maybe. However bad the outlook was at the moment.

She looked around herself, hoping Theo would hurry up. He’d said he wouldn’t be long. Steph threw down her rucksack and just as she was about to sit on it, a phone box caught her eye on the corner of the street. It was only a few strides away and it was empty. God, she needed to speak to him. Even just for a minute, it didn’t take long to say those two words. Should she risk it? And it was a real risk – if Theo overheard….. Steph hesitated, torn between sense and longing. Then she grabbed her rucksack and ran, two seconds down to the corner and slammed the phone box door behind her. Carefully with shaking fingers she dialled the international code and then Ed’s number.

“Hello?”

Her voice froze for a second and Steph swallowed hard, “Ed? It’s me, Steph.”

A hard silence.

“Ed? Are you there?” but her voice crackled into the line, it broke and split with static and reverberated back at her. “Hello? Hello?” She couldn’t be sure he’d heard her at all. Then the deep purr of the dial tone hit her ear. Shit. For a moment she considered ringing back but then she saw Theo walk past looking for her and she had to leap out of the phone box quickly. He smiled his wide, generous smile when he saw her, “You OK?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Ready to go?”

“Yes. Let’s.” She slid her hand into his and they walked together towards the Metro. Steph didn’t look back.

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“Twins! What are you doing up there? Come on, five minutes or you’ll be late. And don’t forget your violins.” They’d only just received their violins as a reward for working so hard at mastering the basics on the school ones. Mia and Tilly had been delighted; the violins were bright pink. Being able to choose your own colour, including turquoise and purple, was a new design initiative for 2007 apparently.

“Mummy I hate the violin,” Mia groaned.

“No Mia, you don’t. And your lesson is today. Come on. Have you got yours Tilly? Good girl.”

“Mummy, Mia poked her tongue out at me!”

“Ignore her. Mia, stop it. Come on or we really will be late.”

“I don’t care. It’s spellings first thing,” Mia pouted.

“I care, I don’t want a late mark,” Tilly said, looking worried.

“Hop into the car then!”

Steph grabbed her new handbag – a thoughtful birthday present from Theo – and pulled open the door of her car to throw two violin cases into the back. It was Monday; that meant Mrs B was coming and the bins needed to go out. Damn. Why could Theo never remember? She hauled the recycling bin out between the iron gates and onto the street, taking a moment to admire their new house name sign. “Touchstone” was etched in a charcoal colour onto a piece of varnished pine. Simple, but it looked good. And it hadn’t been cheap either. But then nothing that came from Raggy Rose was cheap. The latest design company in Churchwell had come straight from London with quite a following. And, as someone who had once had interior design aspirations, there was no other company to use.

The white iron railings of the St Catherine’s School for Girls became visible the moment they rounded the corner onto Thornbox Street from the road where they’d parked. The girls grabbed their rucksacks, water bottles and violins without being told, and clambered out.

They were so grown-up at ten; Steph could hardly believe the difference in the last few years. Even saintly Theo had been moved to comment that they were less annoying than they had been. Having twins had been hard at first, especially because the pair of them had been so young, frighteningly young, but now they were truly beginning to reap the rewards. Yes, Steph thought, walking slightly behind Tilly and Mia and watching their identical blonde ponytails bobbing up and down, life was good. Settled, relaxed, organised. Now that the girls were older she and Theo had even been able to claw back a little time for themselves too. They had no family nearby, their relatives were all back in Tinford, a forty-five minute drive away. They didn’t go back often, there were too many lingering memories and awkward feelings seemed to hang around every familiar corner. It was easier to stay away. They’d been back for Mum’s recent wedding to John, they felt they had to. Mum deserved happiness after Dad had died. Not having a father of her own had made Steph appreciate Theo all the more.

“Mummy! Come on, we’ll be late!” Tilly had turned around from outside the school as pupils in their matching blazers hurried inside. Obediently, Steph sped up a little in her Kurt Geiger heels. A bit OTT for the school run but they were just so fabulous, and as someone who was only 5’2”, she needed all the help she could get in the height department. Vertiginous heels weren’t her thing, but an extra couple of inches didn’t go amiss.

It was almost half past eight, Tilly was quite right; another couple of minutes and the bell would have gone for morning assembly. And Steph prided herself on always being on time.

“All right, all right. Off you go then. Have a lovely day.” She pecked them both quickly on the cheek and straightened Mia’s tie out of habit.

“Muuum! It’s already straight,” she grumbled.

“I like to make sure. Right I’ll see you later.” The twins disappeared through the wide, wooden door into the depths of the school. As always, Tilly turned and gave her a quick wave at the door – slightly less certain, less confident than Mia who never bothered. Steph smiled at her and waved back.

She was reminded every morning of her own school days as she waved goodbye to her girls. Of course her school – or rather, hers and Theo’s and Edwards school – wasn’t a patch on St. Catherine’s. It hadn’t been in a nice part of a smart town with its own playing field and large playground. It hadn’t had six science labs, language labs, two main halls, labyrinthine corridors and a boarding block. Tinford Junior School had basically been one, smallish building, into which three years of thirty children each were crammed. Its one saving grave was that it had backed onto endless open fields, which had given a false illusion of space.

Taking Mia and Tilly to somewhere so upmarket still intimidated Steph slightly. Having never been to an independent school herself, she had no idea what life was like behind that big, white, wooden door. Besides occasional forays into the school for parents evenings and sports days, she never went near the place. It was her girls who were metamorphosising into the accomplished, confident young ladies that St. Catherine’s eventually turned out, and Steph wondered exactly how much they would achieve in their lives that she hadn’t. A lot, she suspected, but then that wouldn’t be hard.

Not that anyone watching Steph would think that she was insecure. Her appearance belied her manner. A casual observer wouldn’t know that she was often anxious as to what others thought of her for no obvious reason. She was young, pretty, approachable (she thought) then she wondered if perhaps they were actually hindrances rather than blessings.  She remembered feeling embarrassed on the girls’ first day at St. Catherines, her and Theo had been so young. The youngest of all the parents there. She’d hung her head as they walked briskly through the school, whilst Theo strode on confidently. But no-one would know that to look at her now. She stood at the white railings and waved goodbye vigorously to the twins; so pretty, so neat with their matching rucksacks, pulled-up beige socks and polished, brown shoes. She was careful though, not to catch the eye of any other mothers; she wouldn’t know quite what to say. They were all older than her and all had flourishing careers. At least she assumed they did judging by the speed at which they accomplished drop-off, and the amount of nannies around doing pick-up. She sort of wanted to be part of the in-clique and sort of not, she didn’t know yet if she would fit in. Her compromise last term had been to join the parents committee, colloquially known as Cath’s.

When she thought about it, Steph felt very grown-up knowing she was the mother of eleven year old twin girls. Slightly too grown-up. A tiny part of her thought that shouldn’t it still be someone taking Steph for spelling tests and double maths? Where on earth had the time gone? How had she gone from the Steph she was then into the Steph she was now? It wasn’t what she had envisaged for herself at their age.

And the twins did remind her so much of herself sometimes. It seemed only yesterday that it was Steph trailing her satchel through the playground – no rucksacks in those days – checking to see that her shoelaces were done up and hastily re-fastening her dark plait. Mrs Hunter had been strict about appearances. Steph smiled as she re-traced her route back to the car and unlocked it. She could still remember Mrs Hunter telling Theo that his hair was “almost long enough for a ponytail”. That had been the very first, fateful, day of school. The same day that she had met Theo and Edward.

Ed.

****************************************************

It was 1983 and they had all been nearly five. Steph couldn’t remember much about her life before she started school, but walking into that building for the first time had left a huge impression on her mind. She’d been walking past it with her mother for years. Normally on their way to the shops. And her mother had pointed it out to her as she got older, “Look,” she would say, “you’ll be going there soon.” What for, Steph had no idea. But she knew something important was happening when new items of unfamiliar clothing were bought for her and her feet were measured for new, stiff, red leather shoes. “For school,” her mother kept saying. “You’re a big girl now.”

And there hadn’t been room for any worry. Steph was so proud of her uniform and the neat plait with its ribbon hanging down her back, she hadn’t even thought to be nervous. And it wasn’t until they approached the playground on that first morning that she began to feel a little odd and unsettled. But there had been twenty-five other children all new and equally unsettled, and her new classmates fascinated Steph. She’d never been in the company of so many other children her age before. They had been put into smaller, more manageable, groups on that first morning and Steph’s had been called the “Star Group”, which she was pleased about as they all got to wear bright golden stars. With her had been two girls and two boys. She couldn’t remember the names of the girls, but the boys had been Theodore and Edward. Theo with the long, scruffy hair and glasses, and Ed with fine, blond hair and pale skin.

They’d shared their milk and biscuits together at break time, and played together at lunch on that first day; playing nicely and not fighting like some of the others. And that was really all that Steph could recall from early on. After that she could just remember them all being friends. Because that was the way it was. The way it had always been. Until it ended.

********************************************************

“Steph! Steph!” came the shout from behind her, and she was jolted from the past. She swung round to see Katie waving at her. She stopped and waited. Katie had obviously hared around the corner from St. Lukes Boys School, she looked all red and completely out of breath.

“Hi! Hi, sorry to screech at you. I was late, Jack couldn’t find his shorts and – well, never mind,” she took a deep breath, “it’s just that it’s Monday morning and I’ve got every task under the sun waiting for me at home, including some really grim ones, and I was wondering if I could talk you into having a coffee with me to delay things a bit?” she grinned broadly at Steph, her flame-red curls dancing from her freckled face in the wind.

“Well actually, I was just off to the gym,” Steph smiled wickedly. She hadn’t been, actually. Briefly, she had considered going down to the stables to see if she could get Archie in for a quick session in the sandschool, but she’d decided against it. Archie was a riding school horse but rarely used because of his propensity for bucking and Matt, the owner of the yard, didn’t mind if Steph rode him. She always left him some money and “It’s probably more than he’d make me otherwise,” Matt had joked in the beginning. It worked out well for both of them. Steph had watched the twins learn to ride with a mixture of pride and envy. She’d been a competent horsewoman years before and one day Matt had asked if she fancied having a lesson herself. It had spiralled from there and now she often rode when she felt like it. The twins had been begging for a pony for ages but Steph was resisting, the thought of mucking out every day didn’t appeal to her.

Katie groaned at the thought of exercise, “Oh no, really?”

“You could always come with me?”

“No, I would, honestly, but I’m so unfit I think I’d probably die.”

“Well we can’t risk that. Coffee it is then. Where? Luigi’s or mine? Yours sounds like a bit of a non-starter.”

“You are welcome but I wouldn’t,” Katie shrugged theatrically. “I still haven’t quite cleared up after Sunday lunch would you believe.”

“Are you serious?”

“I know, I know, it’s just that I had two glasses of red and before I knew where I was I’d agreed that Jack could get the Warhammer out and it was all downhill from there.”

“What about Tom?”

“Oh, online. As usual. eBay I think. Then it was Midsomer Murders and then I was too tired.”

“Sounds like mine it is. Let’s go.” Morning coffee sessions with Katie were something Steph loved. Katie was almost a polar opposite of herself; loud, confident, funny and no insecurities at all.

“Is your divine Mrs B coming in today?”

“Yep. She’s going to tackle the bedrooms and the girls’ playroom this morning.”

“A playroom! I’m so jealous. A room with a door I can shut all the mess behind is my fantasy. Aren’t I sad? No firemen for me.” Katie’s red-brick terraced house with its workshop out the back for her sculpting was gorgeous, with a little front garden, wisteria trailing round the front door that she was always trying to tame and overgrown window-boxes, but it looked a mess even before you stepped inside. It was usually a fair approximation of clean, but always looked to Steph like two dogs had had a squabble in there.

Steph kept her home meticulously neat, even though there was a great deal more of it and she had two children instead of one.

“That doesn’t count though,” Katie had objected one day. “You’ve got two girls. That’s like having half of one boy.” Steph had laughed and allowed her to get away with it.

Walking back to the car, Katie admired Steph’s jeans, “I love them. Where did you get them?”

“Little boutique in Peppard. Fab place, all designer brands but the nice stuff, without the shit. No snakeskin.”

“What are those?”

“Seven For All Mankind.”

“God. My brain wouldn’t even let me dream of affording those.”

“I can cast them off to you in a few months if you like,” Steph offered.

“Yeah, like I would ever fit into them.”

Steph was as slim as a reed and dressed exquisitely in her gorgeous jeans, cashmere sweaters and expensive heels. Today Kurt Geiger, but tomorrow could be Manolos. She even had a separate shoe closet where each pair was stored in their original box. Katie had wondered for a long time if perhaps Theo had a shoe fetish, but no, it had turned out to be just how organised Steph was. She didn’t even leave the house without straightening her long, dark hair, which was shot through with honey-coloured highlights. Katie, looking at her, was reminded of a fairy. Everything about Steph was just so light and ethereal. She was usually smiling her wide, coral smile and her teeth were improbably white. Together with tall, dark, tousle-haired, bookish Theo, who had long reverted to his glasses, and identical twins Mia and Tilly, who still had the stunning white-blonde hair of young children for some reason, they looked a picture-perfect family. Katie quite often thought that they should be on the front of some catalogue or other. Mini Boden, perhaps. She had suggested to Steph that the girls do some modelling, they were so cute, but Steph had recoiled in horror. It would be her nightmare to have her girls faces featured everywhere; too risky. “Oooh let’s get inside. It’s freezing out there.” It was only October but there was a distinct nip in the air. “Looks like we’ve beaten Mrs B to it. Excuse the mess.” Two cereal bowls, two water glasses and a teacup were sitting neatly by the dishwasher to be stacked. Katie snorted in derision.

“Sit down, I’ll make some proper coffee. If it’s just me I have the cheap, Sainsburys own brand stuff, but I’ll get the Colombian coffee and percolator out for you.” Steph grinned at Katie and pulled her long hair off her face impatiently. “So, what’s been going on with you guys then since last week? Any gossip I should know about?”

“Hardly. Oh, except I do have a new order for ten of those statues, you know the ones?”

“Really? Yes, that’s amazing! Well done you.” Katie was an extremely talented sculptor and ran her own small – very small – business. The profits were almost non-existent, but Steph had often admired her for having the conviction to follow her dream; if only she could have been as brave. And Katie was seriously good; it was just a case of waiting for the right break at the right time. Katie dreamt of contracts to supply national chains of garden centres with her sculptures, as well as local shops, but there was a dearth of opportunities at the moment. There were rumours that a recession was looming.

“Yes, a friend recommended me to someone high up and, well, that was it. It’s only a one-off, but still.”

“No, that’s brilliant. When’s the deadline?”

“Three months. Enough time to put the effort in without rushing too much.”

“Well if you need any help with Jack you only need to ask.”

“Thanks. I might do.”

The door clicked open and Mrs B appeared, “Morning both.”

“Morning Mrs B. How are you?”

“Oh you know, mustn’t grumble.” Steph hid a smile; she’d never known the woman anything other than fit and well.

“What did you have in mind for me today dear?” she unwound a long knitted scarf and placed it carefully on top of her capacious bag on the gleaming worktop. Steph glanced around, “Well, after the girls playroom, I wondered if you’d run a duster round the spare room at the back for me? And give it a quick vacuum? I’ve a decorator coming in later to look at doing it up for me.”

“The cream room? Why?” Katie asked, looking up from the newspaper. “It’s gorgeous as it is.”

“I know. But the thing is, Mia and Tilly are beginning to get sick of sharing a room so I’m thinking of moving one out into the bigger guest room. They are ten and a half now and they’re only going to end up with more rubbish and clutter. They could do with a bit more space each.”

“Ooh, I foresee fights over who gets the new room and new stuff for it.”

Mrs B kept quiet, knowing what was coming.

“Well….actually, I’ll probably end up re-doing both rooms. It’s only fair that way.” Steph felt herself blush to the dark roots of her hair. She felt awful, as though she were flaunting their disposable income – which she definitely wasn’t – but what else could she say? Katie rolled her eyes in mock exasperation, “Oh how the other half live.” She didn’t mind though, Steph knew she didn’t.

“Right you are, I’ll get on with that then.”

“Thanks Mrs B,” Steph said gratefully. “I’ll bring your coffee up in a minute.”

“So that’s going to leave you a room down then?” Katie said, swirling her third biscuit around in her coffee.

“Yes, I suppose.” Steph hopped up onto a kitchen stool next to her and pulled her cup close. “Not that it really matters. We’ve got our room, Mia and Tilly will end up the other end of the house together with that small bathroom down there to share and Theo’s study, and the box room will be in the middle. And what we’ll do is somehow squeeze a bed and chest of drawers into the box room for guests.”

“It’s hardly a box room!”

“It is compared to the spare bedroom at the moment. I mean, the girls could always share again temporarily if we had an important guest or one that stayed for a long time, but how often does that happen?”

“Never in our house because they’d have the choice of sharing with me and Tom or Jack, and I don’t know which would be worse to be quite frank.”

Steph laughed. “Right, I’m taking Mrs B’s coffee to her. Help yourself to more biscuits, they’re in the cupboard.”

“I shouldn’t, I’m on a diet, but God – Monday morning….”

“That’s it, have another biscuit, live life on the edge why don’t you.”

“Ha bloody ha,” Katie poked her tongue out and watched Steph disappear out of the wide kitchen door and up her stairs. Living life on the edge, like she would know anything at all about that.

CHAPTER TWO

Much as Steph adored her twins and loved the chaotic whirlwind that accompanied them, she also enjoyed her home when it was quiet. She often walked the length of the long upstairs hallway when the girls weren’t around, enjoying the peace and knowing that if she polished something it would stay polished, and put-away things would stay put-away without endless nagging. Her house was decorated in neutral tones; magnolia, cream, rose pink for the girls’ room. The bathrooms were a very pale duck-egg blue, which Steph thought she could get away with without making the rooms feel cold because they were bathrooms. Like now as she climbed the wooden staircase, she could smell the beeswax polish Mrs B used on the front hall floor and hear her humming in the distance. Noise couldn’t penetrate the fiercely double-glazed windows but everywhere smelled fresh and aired. Relaxing. That’s what this house was. Peaceful and relaxing. Welcoming. Steph adored it; knew they were lucky to have it.

They hadn’t always had the luxury of a beautiful home. She shivered every time she recalled the squalor of the small flat they had been forced to rent just after they left Tinford when they were eighteen. It was all that had been available on their joint income from the shop and the pizza place, and the grottiness of it stuck in her mind even now. The whole place had been damp with peeling paint and wallpaper, the bathroom had been covered in mould and the kitchen was quite obviously visited by rats. It was cold and had smelled. They’d been horrified, going to view it, but the landlord had leaned against a wall and shrugged his shoulders, “It ain’t no palace but it’s all you’re likely to get for what you’re paying.” Even that sum was a fortune to them. It had been Theo who had spoken, “It’s fine. We’ll take it,” he said, quickly sliding his hand into Steph’s and squeezing it tightly. It had been just before their travelling and had they known about the twins then Steph doubted whether they would have been so brave. They’d moved their belongings in quickly – “before we change our minds” Steph had joked – and more swiftly than they’d anticipated they had got used to the flat. But they didn’t go back to it after their travelling. Thank God Theo had got his business off the ground when he had or who knows what might have become of them? Steph shook off her gloomy thoughts as she reached the top of the stairs, the shadows of her past seemed to be stretching uncomfortably towards her today. Perhaps that was what happened when you got old.

“Mrs B! I’ve got your coffee,” she called. “Wow,” she stopped in the doorway, “that looks better already.” Mrs B had flung the windows wide open to air the room and polished every surface until it shone. The blinds were pulled up and there was a beautiful view out over their garden.

“It’s a lovely room, that’s for certain. Thanks dear. Whichever one of them monkeys gets this is a lucky girl. Well, they’re both lucky girls in my view.”

“Absolutely,” Steph agreed. “It’ll be lovely as a bedroom. I’m thinking pink, or lilac or maybe a primrose yellow. Curtains to match, but in a contrasting tone. Maybe even chocolate brown blinds if we went with pink walls,” Steph said thoughtfully. “Bit out on a limb for the girls I suppose, what do you think?”

“Sounds nice. Keep the double in here will you?”

“No, I shouldn’t think so. Either a canopy bed or one of those cabin things, with a desk underneath. It’s almost time they started doing their homework in their room. Or it will be next year. Easier for them to concentrate.”

“Only, I know my Mike is on the lookout for a good quality double. If you were thinking of getting rid I might know of a home for it.”

“Oh, OK. All right. I’ll have to ask Theo, we haven’t really discussed anything like that yet. But it won’t fit into the box room,” she said. “OK, I’ll see. Anyway, thanks Mrs B.”

“That’s a pleasure dear.”

Steph lingered a minute to try and imagine the walls painted a shade of lilac perhaps, or maybe even a slightly deeper pink. She glanced round at the furniture, what was in there was solid, serviceable pine but she rather thought she’d like to pick new bedroom furniture for them both. John Lewis had a gorgeous range. It would be such a fun project, especially now Mia and Tilly were old enough to have sensible opinions and she could discuss colours and designs with them. And besides, once the rooms were done that would be it for years and years. Five or six at least. It was more of an investment. That’s how she’d present it to Theo anyway.

Steph poked her head tentatively around the girls’ current bedroom door; not too bad today. Duvets were half-hanging onto the floor, their bedside lights were on despite the blazing sunshine and two nightdresses were scattered across the floor along with a few pens and bits of paper. It would only be the work of a moment to clear that up, and once Katie had gone Steph would have quite a few free moments. She sometimes wondered guiltily if she were doing enough with her life; if she were quite satisfied, but she always stopped herself immediately. Theo would be horrified, say she was ungrateful – he wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t that she was dissatisfied, she just sometimes wondered whether there was more in store for her or whether she would keep house and look after her girls forevermore. She’d once had different aspirations, but they were long-buried. And she did take a deep pride, deeper than most, in housekeeping and child-rearing. Every school holiday was planned with military precision so that the twins would be neither lonely nor bored. It usually ended up as a chaotic merry-go-round of friends to play, picnics and visits to the swimming pool. But when Mia and Tilly tumbled, worn out, into bed at the end of the day, Steph would convince herself that it had all been worth it. Theo thought they should spend more time entertaining themselves.

“We never had all of this,” he gestured widely with his hand, “we had to amuse ourselves and we learned a lot because of it.”

“Theo,” Steph said, appalled, “you cannot be saying that our village childhood is preferable to what the girls have?” Images of picnics and ball games flew to mind. Fine every once in a while, but the summers had seemed hot and endless. There had been very little by way of entertainment in Tinford, they really had relied on each other.

“Not in every sense, no. I’m just saying that they don’t need to be entertained every second of the day. Leave them to write stories and paint pictures once in a while.”

“I do.”

“No, you organise them into an activity. Leave them to come up with the ideas themselves. God knows they’re organised enough at that school. I want them to learn a bit of self-sufficiency.”

He had a point, Steph thought, but she wasn’t sure if she agreed. They were ten, but that was still little in her eyes. Katie had laughed at her when Steph repeated the conversation.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Soon enough you’ll be sick of catering to their every whim. Jack’s lucky if I organise one day out every holiday.”

Steph thought she was probably joking.

She wandered back into the kitchen, sheepskin slippers slapping on the tiled floor, “You look like you’re miles away,” Katie said. “What are you thinking?”

“Oh, just about what Theo said, you know, about the girls entertaining themselves more.”

“Still bothering you?”

“No. I just wonder who’s right.”

“Fifty-fifty I’d say. That would be a fair compromise. Why? Are you two not getting on?”

“Yes, of course we are, you know us. In fact,” Steph hesitated, letting her hair swing over her face, “he’s come up with a rather novel idea for making sure I have less time to devote to the girls.” She hadn’t been sure whether to say anything or not; this was a bit of a gamble. Her heart started to quicken.

“He’s never suggested you get a job?”

“Hardly, you know what he’s like about being the breadwinner. No, it’s um….that is – I-” Oh God, was she doing the right thing?

“What? What is it?”

“Well – he wants us to have another baby,” Steph said quickly.

“A baby!” Katie said incredulously. “Seriously?”

“Yes. What’s wrong with that?” Steph had not expected this.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.” There was silence for a moment. “It’s a lovely idea, it’s just that I didn’t see you two with another child. I don’t know,” Katie said slowly, “you just seem so happy, the four of you. Nice big house, life of luxury, neat 2.4 children, you with a great figure. I just thought you’d be keen to hang onto all of that.”

“We haven’t decided yet and I guess I’m less keen than he is to be honest. Theo’s always wanted a bigger family, a child for every room he says, and he feels that now is the ideal time to do it.”

“And you?”

Steph sighed, “I agree that another baby would be nice. At some point. Probably. But I worry about the impact on the girls, the disruption. Stuff like that. You’re right, I love my neat, ordered life and another baby would turn it upside down. Besides, I’d have to take a very deep breath before I flung myself back into sleepless nights and dirty nappies again. Plus,” she hesitated, “I don’t know if I want to spend all my young adult life having children. It wasn’t what I originally planned, after all. Sometimes I do think about catching up career-wise, getting a bit more out of life.”

“More?”

“No, wrong word. I think about taking my life in different directions.”

“Such as?”

“I don’t have new ideas, it’s just that I still think about interior design from time to time.” She felt foolish just saying it. It had been her original plan, before she left school. A highly-cultivated dream. And that was what it had stayed, a dream.

“I bet you were shocked when you found out about the twins then.” Katie commented.

Steph flushed deeply, “Why would you say that?”

“For the same reasons you just said. If you had glamorous career plans.” Katie peered closely at her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“No. Well, I suppose I was. In a way. It’s a long time ago though, I don’t really remember.” She busied herself with stacking the chrome and steel dishwasher.

There was a pause, then “So what do you think you’re going to do?” Katie asked curiously.

“Talk about it a bit more first off. Then we’ll see.”

“Good plan. Ooh, how exciting! Baby number three. Girl or boy? A boy would be nice. I wonder how much it would look like the twins.”

Steph kept her back turned, “Well, quite.”

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Steph was standing at the kitchen island chopping ginger for a vegetable stir-fry when Theo arrived home. She heard his key slide into the lock and the clunk as he turned it, then the familiar clatter of his keys into the enamel bowl that sat on the hall table. He didn’t call out because he knew the girls would be in bed. Instead he put his briefcase down by the hat stand, loosened his tie, slipped his shoes off and went into the kitchen to find his wife.

“Hi gorgeous,” he wound his arms around her waist and nuzzled into her neck. “Mmm, it’s good to be home. Nice day?”

“Not too bad.” Steph put her knife down and swivelled to face him, loving as she always did her first proper glimpse of her husband. When he left for work she was usually still snuggled underneath the duvet. “I’ve poured you some wine.”

“You’re an angel.” Theo pulled his tie completely off and dumped it on the side.

“Don’t do that,” Steph said automatically.

“Why not?”

“Because it gets in my way, it’ll get stuff spilled on it and the kitchen is not the place for ties. Take it upstairs with you when you get changed.”

“You’re never happy are you?” but Theo was smiling as he headed out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. Somehow, the hallway always smelled more of whatever Steph was cooking than the kitchen did. Tonight must be stir-fry, he could smell the familiar basil, ginger and garlic mixed together in the air. He hoped she would serve them with noodles, not rice.

Theo walked soundlessly down the upstairs corridor on the solid walnut floor. It had been the most extravagant thing about their house, apart from the Poggenpohl kitchen with its three-ring Aga, but they both loved it. He pushed the door of the twins’ room open and peeped in; they were already fast asleep. They lay sprawled across their duvets, face down, Mia still clutching a Barbie and their soft nightlight on. Theo tiptoed across to take the doll and paused between the beds as he did so. He wasn’t sure about Steph’s new plan to move one of them out into another bedroom. He loved being able to come in and see them both lying so close together like this; it was now that he was most able to imagine them as one entity; one, single egg somehow split into his two, miraculous, girls. On his other side Tilly stirred suddenly and Theo backed out of the room hastily. Steph would be cross if they woke up, and blame him. Much as she adored her girls, she was adamant that evenings were for adult time. It was a bit of a shame as it meant that Theo didn’t get to see as much of them as he would have liked, he rarely got home before their bathtime, and, like tonight, sometimes even later. And he rarely got time to play his beloved golf. What had started as networking tool for corporate reasons had turned into a passion. It was the one thing he did away from Steph. But that was the way life was at the moment. They were enjoying his early success and Theo hoped a lot more was to come. He had plenty of plans and dreams for the future and was mostly impatient at having to wait, but “don’t wish your life away,” Steph was always warning him, and he supposed she was right.

“So, tell me about your day.” He took his seat at the table with its antique candelabra in the centre, and picked up his fork.

“Not much to tell. Katie came for coffee this morning-”

“How is she?”

“Fine. She was avoiding her housework. I felt a bit guilty sitting here with her as Mrs B whizzed around doing mine, but,” Steph shrugged as Theo frowned.

“Don’t feel guilty,” he said. “That’s what she’s here for. You aren’t responsible for Katie’s lifestyle any more than she is for yours.”

“No, I know, it’s just……I do feel bad that we have almost every luxury while she has so few.”

“Steph, that is not the way to view it. Katie’s your friend, enjoy her friendship. Don’t worry about what we’ve got that she hasn’t.”

“I don’t. Not really. Anyway,” she said hastily, “how was your day? Anything exciting happen?”

“No, nothing.” He was never keen to talk about his day. Work was to be relegated the minute he walked through the door as far as Theo was concerned. It was time for his wife and children. “Same old, same old and more tomorrow I imagine.”

“Well, that’s good.” A pause. “I’ve had the decorator in to look at doing up the spare room.”

“Oh yes?”

“The quote was what we thought, depending on what we go for obviously. It would only take a couple of days. Seemed quite easy.”

“Good.” Theo listened as he ate his noodles.

“Yes, and I was thinking about getting new furniture from John Lewis.”

“Uh huh.”

“What do you think?”

Theo shrugged, “Fine, I suppose. It’s as good a place as any.”

“Katie thought it was a good idea.”

“Oh well then, that’s it.” Theo smiled his wide, generous smile and Steph pulled a face. “Don’t be like that. I can make decisions on my own.”

“I know you can. Anyway, what would we do with the bed?”

“Ah. Mrs B said Mike might want it if we don’t. I can’t see it fitting into the box room though.”

“No, it wouldn’t. Well it could but there wouldn’t be room for anything else.” He took a mouthful of wine. “And besides, we may not need a bed in there.”

“What? Why not?”

“If it was turned into a nursery then we wouldn’t need one. Cots take up much less space.” There was a twinkle in his eye.

“Yes. They do.”

“You sound hesitant.” Theo watched Steph looking at her plate.

“Well –no, I’m not hesitant, it’s just that I was talking to Katie this morning-”

“Of course you were.” He’d nearly finished eating.

“Well I was! And she sounded surprised that we were thinking of a third.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t matter what she thinks. Look Steph,” Theo set his cutlery down, “I get the feeling that I’m talking you into this a bit. And that’s not how it should be.”

“No, no, you’re not,” Steph twisted her napkin agitatedly, how could she explain this? “I think another baby is a great idea. Fab. The best. But I’m worried about the girls, how it will be for them.” She couldn’t tell him about her interior design work dreams, he’d see it as a slight on his earning power.

“Oh Steph,” Theo reached over the table to grab her hand. “Is that all? That’s normal. That happens to everyone I bet. It probably will be tough at first, sleepless nights, a newborn screaming in the house, you tired and with less time-”

“Theo – you’re not really selling it to me here.”

“No listen – what you have to focus on is the end result. The bigger, stronger, happier family that we’ll end up with if a brother or sister comes along for them. Siblings are so important.”

“Yes. You’re right.” Steph stared at her wine glass in the flickering candlelight for a second in silent contemplation. “I do want to do it. I’m just nervous. You’ll have to bear with me.”

“That’s fine. I can cope with nerves. Darling, that’s brilliant.” His smile nearly split his face. “Fantastic. Another baby! That would mean the world to me. Three beautiful children of my very own.” He raised one eyebrow, “and how long do we have to wait to get started on this process?”

“Oooh, give me twenty minutes to clear up?”

“Done.”

But later Steph made an excuse to send him up on his own as she sat in the darkened kitchen with its neatly drawn blinds, shining surfaces and eco-friendly household cleaner smell. Everything she had said to Theo over dinner was true. She did want another baby, she was worried about the girls, but there was something else too. Something she couldn’t possibly explain to him. It was the way the old shadows reached for her in her dreams, still somehow able to smash her new life into smithereens, despite the protective walls she’d built. The gnawing fear every time Theo mentioned babies, the tightness of panic in her chest that had been gone for so long after she’d lulled herself into a false sense of security. It was her secret. She stared sightlessly ahead into the dark. Don’t be silly, she told herself, clutching her glass a little harder. It will all be fine. It has to be fine. Nothing can happen because no-one knows. Unbidden thoughts flew into her mind of awkward, medical conversations, things written on her maternity notes – stop, she told herself firmly. Just stop. And think what you’ll finally gain from it. Think how perfect things could finally be. One more, that was it, that was all there needed to be.

She took a few deep breaths, swallowed the last of the wine and slipped off the stool. One last look round at her darkened kitchen and then she closed the door quietly and made her way upstairs.

CHAPTER THREE

They had all been born in 1978. Steph only had hazy memories of their early years at school, that first day aside of course. It was all rolled into one, distant memory now of pencils, small chairs, milk bottles and hopscotch. She, Theo and Ed had quickly become best friends, and that was how it had stayed. Now, her recent memories of Theo had overtaken the older ones. He was a different person now. Well, he belonged to Steph, which he hadn’t done then. Not by a long shot. Memories of Ed were different. Darling Ed. So eager and yet so awkward. He didn’t have that many friends as he got older. Steph had looked at him sympathetically and thought that she could understand why. He wasn’t really rude, just slightly stand-offish. Made you feel as though he didn’t really want to be talking to you, which was never the case. Well, hardly ever. He was just shy and a bit awkward. He’d always stand staring down at the ground if he could and rarely smiled. It was like he didn’t know how to behave, like he was still biding his time and making up his mind about what he thought. It was only when the three of them were alone that Ed really relaxed. Then his whole demeanour transformed; no longer quiet and sulky, but rolling around on the floor hooting with laughter. He could make Steph and Theo laugh until their sides ached with his impression of Tina Turner. Steph often wondered how no-one else ever saw it. She was always telling her girlfriends how great he was but they’d look at her disbelievingly, “Ed? Edward Osborne? Yeah, right. I’m sure.”

“No, he really is,” Steph would protest. “He’s just shy.” But no matter how many times she said it, they never believed her. Ed was simply the sullen one.

By the time they had got to fifteen, friendship groups had been firmly established, and Steph, Theo and Ed were one unit. That was the way it was. There were other friends too, such as Kirsty with whom she rode, long, rambling hacks in and around Tinford with ponies borrowed from the riding school in return for chores. It was on these rides that Steph felt at her most relaxed and calm, her mind fell into tune with the pony’s gentle rhythm. And then there were Mark and Grace of course, there were lots of peripheral friends around, but regardless Steph sometimes thought she would have been lost without Theo and Ed. She used them to judge her outfits and new highlights, recommend good CDs, books and films. Looking back, they’d been like countless other teenagers of course, nothing special at all. Until it changed.

Which it had when they reached sixteen. Ever so slowly. Steph gradually became aware that she was looking more to Theo for company than Ed. She found that she could tire relatively easily of Ed’s company, and hardly ever of Theo’s. But of course by then Rachel was on the scene. She was a pretty, quiet girl from the year below whom Theo had met the year before in the library.

“The library!” Steph and Ed had shrieked. “Are you for real?”

“Well, yes,” Theo looked slightly miffed. “What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s boring? And weird?”

“Well, she’s neither. And if you’re both going to be like that then you can’t meet her.”

“Oh no, let us, let us. We’ll be good, we promise.”

And yet, even then, Steph had felt a pang of something strange. Not jealousy exactly, just a sense of losing something that had previously been hers. It was a little harder to confide in him, knowing that he had things which were necessarily secret from her. She imagined their whispered, private conversations, saw them holding hands, pictured their first kiss. Wondered what else they did.

In confusion she turned more to Ed, and one drunken night after a party, they had kissed. That was all, but Steph felt it was a dreadful mistake and waking up the next morning with mascara smudged around her eyes, she had barely been able to face her reflection in the mirror. Apart from the fact that there was Peter, Steph couldn’t quite believe that it was Ed that it had happened with. She’d always imagined her and Theo out of the group if anything like that was going to happen. Not with Ed. Poor Ed. But just – no. Was this the kind of person she was? Was this what she wanted?

Luckily, Ed obviously felt the same way as he never mentioned it again and it was quite soon after that when his obsession with Kirsty began. Seeing Theo so happy with Rachel – serious Theo – made Steph both happy and sad at the same time. She didn’t think that she was that happy with Peter. Peter was great – partly because he was two years older than her – and she was happy to go to the cinema and stuff with him, but he wasn’t really her dream boyfriend. Perhaps most importantly he was better than nothing though and she was loath to be single while Theo was so loved up.

She discussed it endlessly with Ed.

“Why does it matter?” he’d asked, genuinely confused. “Why do you need someone just because of Rachel?”

“Because I don’t want him to think that I’m single and lonely.”

“You don’t want him to pity you?”

“No it’s not that, it’s just embarrassing.”

Rachel was always suspicious of Steph and that made things ten times more difficult. She could never accept their friendship at face value and was always accusing Theo of preferring Steph to her, which eventually had the result of Theo saying “At least she doesn’t nag me like this.” Steph felt slightly mollified when Theo recounted this tale, apparently unselfconsciously, even if he then did ruin it by saying “She just can’t see she’s the One.”

The One? Steph had sloped home that night feeling lower than ever. Rachel couldn’t be The One. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be at all. She’d lain in her pretty, pink bed that night, tossing and turning, eyes wide open in the darkness and thinking. By dawn she’d made some decisions.

*******************************************************

“Do I ever tell you how much I love you?” Theo wrapped his arms around Steph.

“Mmm. You mention it from time to time. Get off! You’ll ruin the cake.” It was Sunday morning and Steph was standing in her kitchen in her Cath Kidston apron attempting to make a chocolate sponge cake.

“What for?” Theo had asked, dipping his finger into the mixture. “It’s no-ones birthday.”

“For guests and things.” She didn’t particularly enjoy baking but it made her feel very worthy. Like she was earning her keep.

“I thought I might take the girls down to David Lloyd later for a swim.” He glanced out of the window at the pouring rain. “I can’t see much else to do today. Do you fancy it?”

“Oh I wish I could but  I’m going to make a start on looking through those catalogues, I haven’t got anywhere with it yet. I’ve got to ring Jim back tomorrow.”

“Jim?”

“The decorator.”

“I thought you did that yesterday?”

“No, I was riding yesterday.” She adored slipping off on her own for a couple of hours and getting into the countryside around Churchwell. She could think whatever she wanted to think while she was riding; there was no danger of anyone guessing her thoughts, it was just her and Archie.

“Oh right. OK.” Theo was slightly disappointed. He loved having his family all together and watching his beautiful girls swim with his beautiful wife. He loved the way her hair became so dark when it was wet and how her cheeks flushed when she swam up and down. Her peachy skin was one thing Theo adored about her appearance; she always looked so healthy and happy.

But Steph had serious amounts of planning to do and not just for the decorating. Yesterday morning she’d had a call from Julia, a fellow parent at school whom she didn’t particularly like. A tall, determined lady, always claiming to be juggling ten different things, Julia had wanted to speak to her about the upcoming term, and, more specifically, what help Steph could add to Cath’s committee. For some reason Julia expected her to have all the free time in the world to dedicate herself to the cause of St Catherine’s. Steph suspected it was because she didn’t work. She didn’t mind helping out but she was constantly evading suggestions of what more she could do, Julia seemed determined to overwhelm her with tasks. If there was ever a cupboard that needed to be sorted or some obscure wishlist item to track down, she’d volunteer Steph. Which was odd, because when she’d first joined the committee at the back end of the summer term, Steph could have sworn that Julia was very cold towards her, as if she didn’t like her for some reason. But over the summer holidays she seemed to have thawed a little. She wasn’t to know that Ian – fellow parent and treasurer of Cath’s – had ordered Julia to be a little nicer, “She’s young and keen,” he’d told Julia, “and we don’t want to put her off. We need all the help we can get this term. Please try to get on with her, she’s nice really.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Julia had replied, big eyes wide with innocence. “I’ve always been nice to her.”

“Julia…..” Ian suspected that Steph’s looks and comparative youth had worked against her in this instance. Julia was ten years older than Steph and it showed. And she aspired to be a wealthy, bored housewife, without managing to achieve either of those aims. Steph’s young, happily married and moneyed status irritated her.

“And now it’s the autumn term, there’s so much going on,” Julia had trilled down the phone to Steph. “We’ve got the Murder Mystery dinner-dance in November, the Christmas Fayre to organise, as well as all the usual events for the children. That’s Halloween, firework night and their Christmas disco. Do you think you might be able to lend a hand?” Plus the other one, my feet, all my fingers and toes and other body limbs that she can see, Steph thought grimly.

“Yes of course,” she said soothingly. “I’m sure I can spare some time. When’s the next Cath’s meeting?”

“Thursday night. We’ll all be there. Oh that’s great Steph, such a relief I can’t tell you. Another body on board makes such a difference. Tell you what, if you could look up a list of caterers before Thursday, perhaps get some quotes, then scale down to a shortlist that would be amazing.”

“I-”

“I know you’re handy with the Internet, that’s probably your best bet. Super, you’re an absolute star. I must dash, see you at pick-up maybe? Bye.”

Steph was left staring at the phone in her hand. She had no doubt that she would see Julia at pick-up, but seeing was all she’d be doing. Julia was one of those people who only spoke to you if she wanted something, and faked an interest in your life to seem chummy. But it could be worse, aside from the driven career women, there were a lot of blonde bimbos on the arms of wealthy, much older men. Plus Julia had recently separated from her partner of twelve years, which must be tough, Steph had sympathised when she heard. To cover her mortification at being a single mum, Julia had leant in closely and whispered “Actually darling I don’t mind losing him, it’s the money I’m going to miss.” Followed by a guffaw of laughter so Steph knew she was joking. As if; the woman was like a magpie, drawn to anything shiny and especially platinum Amex cards. Steph had long ago made a mental note to keep her far away from Theo. She didn’t trust her one inch.

Steph sighed loudly in the empty house and looked longingly at her magazines. She supposed they would have to wait. She loved flicking through Homes & Gardens or Period Living and creating a mental mind-map of all of her favourite designs and brands. Just recently she’d been thinking about adding a conservatory to the back of the house, off the kitchen, it would go perfectly and then they could eat in there. But she wasn’t sure about losing the space on the patio.

She picked up her mug of hot chocolate and went into the study that opened off their spacious living room. It was the only room that seemed to be a constant mess; Sophie Kinsella and Marian Keyes books spilt across the desk, DVDs were stacked in an out-of-kilter pile, wads of paper, some with notes, information and some just scribbles dumped on any available surface. Steph had no-one to blame but herself; this was kind of ‘her’ room, she spent a lot of time in here. Either reading or day-dreaming or sometimes online research when the house was empty and she could pretend that she wasn’t just Mummy.

Google quickly found a list of local caterers for her and Steph wrote down their details on the pad of paper next to her so she could call them tomorrow. Five quotes, that should be enough. It would help if she knew what she was asking them to quote for, of course. Three courses? Service? Silver service? Knowing Julia, four courses and gold service. As she was debating what to write in her email, a link Katie had sent her for Facebook caught her eye.

“It’s terrible,” she’d complained. “I’m trying to work and pitch for contracts and I keep getting distracted by Facebook. It’s addictive. You can practically stalk people. Old exes, friends, enemies. You should sign up.”

“What for?” Steph had asked. “I’m not interested in talking to people online.”

“Just do it. Trust me. It’s great!”

So where was the harm? Steph clicked on the link to open the site. Maybe it would be fun to keep in touch over the net, certainly easier than texting people. She could even look up Kirsty and – or maybe not. Best not go there, Steph had always been stupidly scared of Kirsty meeting the girls – just in case. But it would be handy for the Cath’s Committee. They all used it, she knew for certain. Her mouse hovered over the sign-up button for just a second before she clicked and filled in her details quickly.

Steph fired off a couple of quick notes to caterers that accepted online requests for quotes and then shut down the computer. That was quite enough for one day. It was still pouring with rain outside, that was what living near the coast did for you. Precipitation, was that what it was called? At least the girls would be having a nice time. She shoved her feet back into the fluffy sheepskin slippers that Theo laughed at and padded into the warm sitting room. Her magazines and catalogues were still there, in their comforting pile. She’d better get on and get this bedroom designed then, if things went to plan, it looked like she’d be having a lot less free time fairly soon. Besides, wasn’t paint supposed to be toxic for pregnant women?

*********************************************************

She didn’t tell anyone how she felt at the time. It had come as quite a shock to her back in those days, she wasn’t sure that she could cope with explaining it and justifying it to anyone else simultaeneously. All the advice in Just Seventeen seemed to be to evaluate her feelings carefully before telling Him. Telling Him? The idea was appalling. She’d be so embarrassed. She couldn’t imagine what he’d say. So instead, Steph did what the magazine told her not to and withdrew almost completely from Theo. Firstly it was easier than confronting the issue, and secondly she couldn’t bear to see him all lovey-dovey with Rachel.

“What’s going on?” Ed and Kirsty had asked repeatedly, bewildered. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing,” Steph had snapped. “Nothing at all.” She had let things with Peter drop off too.

“Such a shame,” her mother had tutted. “He was a nice boy.” How did mothers always know the least helpful thing to say?

To make up for it Steph saw a lot more of her girl friends. Suddenly, she was the first one suggesting a night out, the last one to go home. Most of the time she had Ed with her, he was always around somewhere, waiting for Steph. If she hadn’t been so bound up in her own feelings Steph supposed that she would have seen what was going on a long time before she actually did.

It had taken ages for Theo to cotton onto the fact that he never saw Steph any more. In typical teenage boy style he’d blundered along in his life, anchored by the twin concerns of his schoolwork and his girlfriend. Rachel was his life at that moment, they were almost literally joined at the hip. If they weren’t together they were writing little love notes to one another. That left him almost no time for noticing Steph wasn’t around as much. They still glimpsed each other at school, exchanged quick smiles across the dining room – but that was it.

“Want to come round to mine later?” Theo offered periodically and Steph would smile a regretful smile and shake her head, “Oh I can’t sorry, I’m playing netball,” or “I’m going out with Ed” or “I’m seeing Grace.” It hurt like hell but Steph didn’t fancy the alternative, which, as Just Seventeen informed her, was confronting and dealing with her feelings.

**************************************************

The girls came bouncing in from swimming with washed and dried, but unbrushed hair. Typical Theo. Or perhaps that should be typical man? Steph grinned at her husband as Mia and Tilly leapt on her, “Mummy! Mummy! We missed you!”

“The pool was freezing!”

“Oh dear, was it?”

“Yeah, it really was. You should have felt it. It was like an iceberg.”

“Not prone to exaggeration at all are you Mia?”

“Not what to what?” Mia wrinkled her nose.

“She’s just like you Steph,” Theo remarked. “You know what she asked me at David Lloyd? ‘Daddy, did you remember the ghds’? I told them I didn’t even have a hairbrush, never mind that jiggery-pokery.”

“You should have come Mummy, now we look like scarecrows.”

“Rubbish, you both look beautiful.” Steph clambered to her feet. “Fancy making some pizzas for lunch?”

“Yes! Yes!”

“Did you have a good time?” she asked Theo.

“Yeah, missed you though,” he put his arms around her and snuggled into her neck.

“Oh well, you lived,” she smiled at him. “Mum rang by the way.”

“Yours or mine?”

“Mine, for a change actually. It was just a pit-stop phonecall to let me know that they’re back from the Netherlands, and that they’re flying out to Egypt tomorrow.”

“Really, whereabouts?”

“Sharm el Sheikh, apparently. Well, you know what John’s like, he can’t stand the cold can he? He wants the beach, sun and sea. They’re planning on going diving.”

“Good grief.”

“I’ll make you a bet right now that it’ll be Christmas before we see them.”

After lunch they went for a walk in Merryacre woods. There was a distinct chill in the air, it was cold enough for coats, and the leaves were beginning to scatter on the ground.

“Your comment earlier made me think, it really will be Christmas before we know it,” Theo said.

“Oh don’t,” Steph groaned, sliding her hand into his. “What a performance that always turns out to be.”

“Does it?”

“Yes,” Steph turned her head in surprise. “You know it does.”

“Do I?”

“Yes! How can you forget? Your mother always refuses the invitation and then changes her mind at the last minute, my mum and John always want to do a hideously inconvenient Christmas Eve meal and the girls are so worn out by excitement by lunchtime on Christmas Day that they turn into wailing banshees all afternoon. And we’re too tired by the evening to do anything but flop by the fire and drip-feed your parents with alcohol.”

“Sounds familiar,” Theo mused. “Would you change it?”

“Change Christmas? Maybe. I’d cut out the hassle, the endless cooking and entertaining. I mean, I love seeing everyone but I’d rather do it on my terms.”

Theo stopped and pulled Steph to face him, “Well I’m serious. We can change it. Have it on our own this year. Calm everything down. I can’t have you stressed, I mean, you might be pregnant by then. It’s only – what – two and half months away.”

“Don’t count your chickens Theo,” Steph warned.

“I’m not. I’m just saying you might be.”

“Yes, I might,” she conceded. “Nothing stopping it.”

“Look at how you fell pregnant with the girls. They weren’t even planned.”

“Mmm, yes,” Steph said quickly and pulled away from him, “come on, speaking of which, let’s catch them up.” She began to jog gently up the path. Theo stopped and watched her as she ran, God, she was gorgeous. His tiny, delicate Steph. He didn’t think he’d ever loved her so much before as right now. Apart from when she was pregnant with Mia and Tilly maybe, he’d felt a fabulous protective love towards her then. Seeing her bump grow and grow, knowing two tiny pieces of himself were inside – it had been an amazing time.

“Come on slowcoach!” Steph was yelling. “We’re getting bored waiting.”

The rain returned during their walk, drenching them all and meaning that Mia and Tilly had to be re-bathed before bed, much to their disgust. But eventually they were both tucked up, washed and scrubbed with poker-straight blonde hair neatly plaited. Steph looked at them with pride from their bedroom door, each girl in her bed under a pink duvet with a Famous Five book to read.

“Twenty minutes,” she warned. “That’s it.”

“OK Mummy.”

Downstairs, she poured herself and Theo a glass of red wine and pulled a kitchen barstool out so she could perch on it, be-jeaned legs not quite reaching the floor.

“Were you serious about Christmas?”

Theo looked up from his laptop, “Christmas? What?”

“Changing it. Doing it our way.”

“Oh. Well, yes, of course. I’m not doing anything you’re not happy with.”

“Really? Even if it meant not having your mum?”

“Really.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Actually, I do.”

“What are you doing online?”

“Emails. Work.” Theo said apologetically. “Just to get an idea of what I’m going into on Monday morning. I won’t be long.”

“Oh,” Steph suddenly remembered. “You know what I did earlier?”

“Let me guess – straightened your hair? Made another cake?”

“Ha ha. No, far more exciting. I joined Facebook.”

“You? Why? I thought you hated those places? You don’t like the idea of people being able to look you up.”

“It was a whim. Julia called yesterday and wanted me to look up caterers for the Murder Mystery thing-”

“What?”

“Don’t ask. Anyway, I was in the middle of doing that when I saw a link for Facebook and thought I’d join. All the Cath’s people are on it,” Steph shrugged. “It might make keeping in contact a little easier. And a little more remote. It’ll be easier to say no online.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. Katie’s always raving about it.”

“Yes, I know a lot of people who use it.”

“Are you on there?”

“No. But I might have a look.”

“Fair enough.” Steph pulled open the fridge. “Now, what shall we have for dinner? Does chicken grab you?”

***********************************************

His voice had been very quiet, she remembered that. Low, and alarmed. “Steph, you have to tell me what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. I’m not stupid. I have noticed that you don’t want to talk to me, or see me or be around me.”

“You sound sad.”

“I am sad, Stephanie. You’re my best friend. I want to know what I’ve done to upset you so much.”

“Who says you’ve done anything?” Everything about her screamed defensive, she knew. She stood, arms folded across her chest, long fringe falling across her face, staring down at the ground.

“I must have done something, otherwise you wouldn’t have changed.” His voice nearly killed her; it was so gentle.

“I can’t tell you.” She couldn’t lie to him, that was beyond her.

“Why not?” he moved towards to hold her hands but she pulled away. “Steph! Please!”

“What?”

“Please tell me. We’ve been friends for so long. I need to know.”

“Honestly, Theo – really nothing.”

“Stop saying that!”

Steph’s eyes filled with tears, “Sorry Theo – I have to go.”

“But-”

But she’d gone. She ran all the way to the stables that day, feeling the pent-up sobs catching in her chest and the tears begin to fall. If this was what being a teenager was all about then life was shit. She took a feisty pony out over the cross-country course and leapt the wooden jumps and ditches as fast as she dared. All she wanted was to feel the wind in her hair and forget the pain Theo was causing her.

She found herself clinging to Ed more than ever. He was so kind. He didn’t bother her if she didn’t want to talk, like Kirsty and Grace did. He seemed to know when she did want to talk, and he’d often come round bringing chocolate or a tape he’d made for her, which no-one else ever did. She found herself looking at him in a different way, she’d never known that he had it in him. Had she misjudged him? Surely not. She still noticed Theo watching her, always from a distance. But he never came over. Well – that must be it. Friendship over. Every time she thought that tears rose to her eyes and she had to swallow hard to get rid of them.

“Have you still not sorted it out with him?” Kirsty asked, one bitter winter morning as they groomed the ponies.

“No. There’s nothing to sort. I like him, he doesn’t like me, he’s got Rachel, that’s it.”

“How do you know he doesn’t like you?”

“He’s got Rachel!”

“He might dump her for you.”

“No. I’d hate that. So would he. Theo’s a really loyal kind of person. I wouldn’t want to make him to do anything he didn’t want to.”

“So you’re stuck moping around then? God, you’re so annoying. Mind you, at least you’ve got Ed.” Kirsty winked.

“What?” said Steph, startled.

“Oh come on, you must have seen those big, puppy-dog eyes looking at you all the time.”

“Er – hang on – it’s you he likes, not me. We’re just friends.”

“Yeah yeah, and I’m Batman. Come on Steph, don’t be blind. He adores you!”

“He so does not!” Steph blushed deeply, horrified.

All the same, it made her think.

***************************************************

“Right, is everyone present and correct?” It was Thursday evening and the Cath’s committee had come together for their AGM. It was held in the Senior Common Room at St. Catherine’s, buried deep within the grand old building.

“Are you going to take a register Julia?” Ian joked, and caught Steph’s eye.

Julia glared, “I hope I don’t have to. Now, I know I’ve spoken to all of you individually so you all know what your tasks are. Have you all managed to get at least a bit done? If not, are there any problems? Steph, perhaps you’d like to start.” Julia sat down heavily, not looking at Steph.

“Ah – yes. Right. OK,” Steph stood up, slightly nervously, and flicked her hair over her shoulder, aware of the cool stares of some of the committee. Stay-at-home mums weren’t always popular. If you weren’t juggling a full-time job and three kids with no nanny then you were seen as a bit slack.

“I’ve spoken to a few of the local caterers regarding the arrangements for the November dinner-dance and I’ve got some quotes. Assuming that there will be about 200 parents, most of the figures I got back were almost £1000, for a three or four course meal with staff.”

“I think four, don’t you?” Julia said, looking round expectantly. There was a murmur of assent.

“Some were a bit taken aback at the short notice-”

“Short notice!”

“Well, yes. It’s only eight weeks away. And it’s quite a big booking.”

“I’m surprised, for this area. Carry on.”

“And then of course we have to sort out a paying bar. And a license for it. It doesn’t take too long but we would need to get on with it. Julia, I’ve collected all the quotes together, whether you want to go through and pick the most suitable one?”

“Certainly,” she said graciously. Then “Thank you Steph,” through gritted teeth. “Ian, did you get anywhere with the after-show entertainment?”

“I did, yes. Assuming the murder-mystery thing takes between two and two and half hours, we’ll have at least two left to kill, excuse the pun. There’s a few options, although again – I came across the short notice problem.”

“Really? I must say, I am very surprised. Perhaps we should have got on with it earlier. I don’t know why we didn’t. Anyway,” she gave a tinkling laugh lest anyone think she was criticising, “do carry on Ian.”

“As I was saying-” Steph caught his eye and grinned. “Our options are a standard disco and DJ combo. You all know the sort of thing. Fairly cheap, popular, easy, lots of drunken dancing. Or a steel band. Bit novel. Or a travelling casino if we don’t want music.”

“Oh I think we do,” Julia interrupted. “How else will we dance off all that champagne?”

“If the budget stretches to champagne Julia,” Ian warned, in his role as treasurer.

Idly, Steph looked around the room. She’d expected more parents there. Especially seeing as it was a new year, she’d thought more new parents would come along. But there was only her, Julia as Chairwoman, Ian as deputy-Chair and treasurer, Ruth as secretary, Marian as something non-specific and then a couple of parents higher up the school whom she didn’t recognise. It was Steph’s first AGM, and Ian had warned her Julia could be a bit of a handful.

“Very power-hungry,” he’d warned. “Can’t bear it if anyone knows more than she does. She works hard for Cath’s, to her credit, but she demands recognition for it. Don’t be fooled into suggesting something new, you’ll be gently swept aside, all new things have to come from Julia.”

“OK. I’ll bear that in mind.”

“Secretly, I think a lot of people are waiting for her to step down, she’s been in the position a while, there’s a lot of fresh blood waiting in the wings but no-one who’s willing to try and oust her. It wouldn’t do to make an enemy of Julia.”

“No?”

“No. What Julia wants, Julia gets and woe betide anyone who stands in her way. Ah look – speak of the devil and she shall appear – Julia my darling, how are you?”

Steph stood back and watched this false little display. Was this something that corporate people were trained to do? Did Theo do this? Genuine, lovely Theo? When Steph’s turn came she greeted Julia politely and air-kissed her once. It was as well to stay on her good side.

After the meeting Julia didn’t stay, but dashed off, pleading babysitter problems.

“You know how it is, single mother and all that,” she said ruefully and lowered her eyes.

“Don’t believe a word of it,” Ian hissed to Steph. “She’s after the sympathy vote.”

“I didn’t realise what a social minefield I was getting involved in. Silly me for thinking I was just going to be an extra pair of hands.”

“Oh no, everyone’s a pawn at St. Catherine’s. I’m surprised you haven’t popped up somewhere before.”

“Why?”

“You’re a prime target. Young, pretty, big 4×4, personalised plate. All the major attractions.” Ian smiled. “And obviously clever.”

“Thanks for saying so, but I’m not sure it’s very PC for a married man to call me pretty.”

“For any other man it wouldn’t be. But I’m married to Verity and no-one can top her,” Ian beamed. Steph wasn’t sure if he was joking; Verity was lovely and did a lot for the school but she was as wide as she was tall and quite old. Peering closely at his beatific expression she decided he was not joking.

“Right,” he said loudly. “All done? Anything anyone want to say behind Julia’s back?” there was a murmur of laughter and a few small snipes which Ian pretended not to hear. “Good. Let’s get this Murder-Mystery evening rolling then. It’s going to be a big one Steph, hang on!”