REVELATIONS AND REVELRY

Well, what a busy few days! It’s been my husband’s birthday, from which we emerged tired and hungover. Obviously.  From there I went straight into a day of visiting bookshops and finalising launch plans at La Place, which involved a bottle of wine. Obviously. Which meant that my meetings went very, very well indeed. Obviously. In all seriousness – I had a fantastic day on Friday. Waterstones in Winchester were very accommodating, took me very seriously and I was thrilled with the outcome. Subject to them liking the book (emphasis on THE, I’ll explain in a minute) they are going to stock it for me, display it prominently, put it in several different sections and organise a signing for me – for which they anticipate needing 50-75 books. That seems like a wild amount to me! So a good result all in all.

However on Friday I could have done with 50-75 books; I went to Winchester for the express purpose of taking the book around several different places for people to see it. Bookshop managers are always keen to physically hold the book, I have learned. There are no conversations to be had unless they are literally able to have it in their hands – I presume this is to make sure that you haven’t glued it together yourself or something. So I in my wisdom took only one copy of the book with me to Winchester. I consider myself a veteran of selling my book to managers and I have never needed more than one copy. You will already know where this is going. Waterstones was the very first bookshop that I went into, I had a terrifically exciting conversation with the manager (lovely chap but I don’t think he made eye contact with me once; he stared at a space somewhere above my right shoulder for the duration) and at some point the sentence “….will give the book to our fiction buyer, who will read it to see if she likes it…..” was uttered. Swiftly followed by “Do you have a copy that I could keep?” Let’s think about that for a second – can I spare a copy of my book to give to the fiction buyer for Waterstones in Winchester? That would be a YES. What could I do? Possibly something other than what I did actually do; I said “Yes of course, do keep that copy,” and watched my plans for the day slide down into a sad little heap. My fault of course, I should have brought more. So I thanked him, looked longingly at my book and walked out of the shop, essentially thinking “Oh bloody hell, what do I do now?” I hadn’t taken anything else. No posters, no flyers and definitely no more books. I stood outside Waterstones for about a minute before I realised that I really had made a major error. So I swivelled around on my very high (and painful) heels, sort of slunk back into the shop, sidled up to the counter – of course the manager had vanished – and had to say “Well yes, I’m Sarah Haynes, I just left my book for the fiction buyer but could I possibly have it back?” Great start Sarah, well done.

From there I went to the next bookshop, also a major chain, and again asked to see the manager. There were muttered discussions about where he might be and it eventually transpired that he was in his Office. Which was spoken in tones that suggested the word ‘Oval’ should be in front of it. I was solemnly led upstairs and told to wait while they fetched this great person from The Office, so I did and looked at books while I waited. About ten minutes later this man appeared. He was just about a man anyway, he couldn’t possibly have been more than twenty, and he also looked like he’d been in a major car accident. One eye was black and swollen, the actual white of his eye was deep red, his eyebrow was being held together by a steri-strip, his cheek was bruised black and puffy and his arm was in a cast. It was a forlorn picture.

“Oh my goodness,” I gasped. “What on earth have you done?” It was an accident of some sort, the question was how severe and whether anyone else had died.

“Oh – I got into a fight at the weekend,” he said, and from that point my words deserted me. I was all ready with sympathy, etc. but you can’t sympathise about a fight. So I settled for just looking at him for a second, at a bit of a loss, and then launching into “I’m Sarah Haynes, a local author…..” Incidentally, when I’d said the same line in the previous shop the manager had immediately responded with “By local, do you actually mean Winchester?” To which I replied “Yes” because “No” would have been the wrong answer. And then had a fleeting panic whilst I tried to recall the addresses of friends in case the conversation became more specific.

After the bookshops I went to La Place and drank some wine. Obviously. Whilst finalising plans for the launch. It was initially going to be held downstairs in the bar area but now we are upstairs because the numbers attending suggest that this is a better idea. It has the potential to get very crowded, very quickly and upstairs will give us more space, a table for signing books and most importantly a free rein over music. I am so terribly excited that I can hardly bear to think about it. And I liked La Place so much that I went back on Saturday for a bit more wine. I do love Winchester.

I can also reveal that the newest member of the Haynes household has arrived! No, I haven’t had the world’s quickest and most secret pregnancy, our new addition is a fish called Octopus. Some time ago three year old Alice decided that she wanted a fish after seeing a pink, princess tank in a shop. My sister Kim (to whom Things He Never Knew is dedicated) is Aquatics manager at a pet shop so she obtained the tank for us and we withheld it until Alice had reached the required behaviour levels that would entitle her to it. This she has done and so we told her that yes, she could now have her tank and some fish. We were unprepared for the question: “And some sea?” But for as long as she believes that the sea comes out of our bathroom taps, that’s fine. However the next request was “And an octopus please.” Ah. Bit more tricky. And we didn’t like the tantrums when we answered in the negative so we quickly settled on calling her pet fish Octopus. Everyone’s happy.

Apart from me, because there’s still no sign of Boris.

I’m officially on a countdown! 9 days until publication and exactly two weeks until the launch party. It has suddenly occurred to me that I have no celebration arranged for the day that I finally become a published author. WHAT an oversight. I think it’s because actually, nothing will really be happening for me that day. I know the book will be released, but that’s like knowing that Boris Johnson is alive and out there somewhere – it’s interesting and terribly exciting but has little impact upon me. Unfortunately. I’d be more likely to organise a celebration if he were going to come along to it.

Yesterday was a VERY good day for me. I am still smiling this morning! The first good thing that happened was that I heard that www.chicklitreviews.com ‘really enjoyed’ (and I quote) my book! This came as an absolutely massive relief to me; I’d been scared ever since I read a bad review on their site. It struck terror into my heart in case mine got the same treatment. They are entitled to post bad reviews obviously, this is a subjective thing, and in fact I would wish them to do so because it makes their reviews very genuine ones and therefore reliable. A book should get what it deserves. I’m just rather keen that mine deserves niceness for its first review, poor thing. But it seems that it will, as I heard via the veritable jungle of drums that is Twitter. Tweeting is a skill, I have learned. It’s like being involved in one massive conversation and you must learn where, when and how to interject and add your thoughts. I’m a bit annoyed with it at the moment though because people keep un-following me, and it won’t tell me who which is frustrating. It alerts me via email every time someone new follows me, but when tweeple (nauseating word but I’ve never used it before so I’m going to on this occasion) drift off, Twitter’s lips are sealed. I wouldn’t mind, but I just want to know WHY they un-followed. Did I annoy them? Offend? Irritate? Or did I simply manage to bore them away???? It’s a mystery to me.

The second piece of good news was that fifty copies of my book have been ordered THIS WEEK! Bearing in mind it was Tuesday when I got this news, which counts as early in the week in anybody’s view, AND this is pre-publication, it does sound promising. As ever I am hugely grateful to anyone who has made the effort to order it. It means a lot to a debut author! Plus by my reckoning I have access to approximately another one hundred people that I can coax/cajole/bribe and ultimately force into buying it. This not a mercenary outlook you understand (fat chance of that on royalties) but just to raise my profile a bit.

The guest list for my launch event is looking pretty healthy too. I’m pleased with progress so far. I’m managing a good balance between personal friends and more ‘professional’ attendees (not that my friends aren’t professional) plus some people are coming whom I haven’t seen in ages and I’m excited to see them again. Could I put in a small request at this stage: if anyone knows Boris, do invite him along?

This week was also supposed to bring a brand new experience to me (and there aren’t many of those left) but unfortunately it turned out not to in the end. I was meant to be doing my first ever radio interview. It was a very last minute thing, I had an email from my publishers in the morning saying that an author had let them down for an afternoon slot and could I possibly replace them? I won’t mention what the station was for reasons that will become apparent, suffice to say that it was fairly small and low-key and not one that I was especially concerned about impressing. Hence my immediate agreement to do the interview, despite not being prepared and never having done anything like this before. So a time was arranged, I was told the presenter would call me about ten minutes before to put my mind at ease and then I would be interviewed for approximately five minutes. Not a problem, I thought. So I disposed of my youngest child, reminded myself what my book is about and made sure stock answers were available to things I might be asked – name, age, career history, etc. etc. and settled back to wait. Unfortunately, perhaps twenty or so minutes before my call it occurred to me that maybe I should go online and have a listen to this particular radio station – so I did, which was a mistake. The music they were playing was – er – unique, shall we say, and I couldn’t stop laughing. If any of you have gone into an interview in fits of laughter you will know that this is just not a good look. Luckily they didn’t ring me for reasons unknown so I was saved any potential embarrassment/disaster.

Also in this week it is my husband’s birthday. I think he is twenty-seven……however I know it was a mistake to allow my youngest daughter to choose his wrapping paper. And then the day after that I am going to Winchester for the day. This is partly a promotional visit, and partly shoring up last minute plans for the launch event – about which I am very, VERY excited. My guest list is getting there, my outfit is sorted (minus shoes), my cut-out is ordered – I can’t remember if I have mentioned this? In case not – I’ve ordered a cardboard cut-out of just the figures from the front cover and it should be approximately ¾ of life-size. I’m not sure of its exact purpose but it seemed like a good gimmick to have.

So now it’s just final arrangements for the launch – two weeks today ladies and gentleman! I’d like to reiterate that it’s an open event, all are welcome. And any questions can be sent to me at sarah@sarahhaynes.me.uk or put up on my Facebook author page. On the note of questions, I’ve recently completed a Q&A sheet, which some of you may be interested in. It was compiled by me out of a list of the questions that I am most often asked – in my capacity as author, I hasten to add. It makes interesting reading and if you want an insight into my mind as a writer then keep an eye on my website, where it will be appearing shortly!

I am now twelve days away from publication and something horrible has happened. I’ve started to feel like a little bit of a fraud. Now that the release is so close, my book is starting to appear in places, like on the publisher’s website, Amazon and it’s down as currently being read by Chloe on www.chicklitreviews.com. I love seeing it around, obviously, but every time I see it side by side with ‘real’ books I instantly feel like one of the Young Pretenders (history reference; may as well use my A-Level for something) I feel like someone’s going to come up to me and say “Hang on a minute, why is your book here alongside the proper ones?” I’m not imagining that they actually would say that of course – I’d be mortified if anyone did – but how do I know that people aren’t thinking it??? I suppose this feeling is a mixture of everything being so new and unfamiliar, plus the fact that it’s been nearly a year since the original publishing offer came through, and over that time all the progress is ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. Apart from seeing the proofs I wasn’t really involved in the production so the whole thing takes on an air of unreality. Now all of a sudden my books have arrived, posters have been printed and the publicity is starting to appear. And it all feels very strange, as if I’m playing at being a writer and someone will spot the imposter soon. I don’t know what it will take to change it. Maybe success? Maybe a longer period of time?

I know that I’m not alone in this because I’ve just had an email from a fellow author friend and in it she mentioned what a novelty and how exciting it is communicate about ‘real author things’, and it’s true! It is very exciting to talk about publishing, launches, front cover design and royalties. So exciting that we devote approximately 1-2 lines per email to ‘real author things’, and the rest revolves around diets, children and making plans to do lunch. However I do have faith in her as a writer, her emails are amusing, sharp and open which makes me want to read her book, called The Secret Diary of a New Mum, Aged 43 ¼, which is published in February, see here for details: www.carirosen.com. Joking aside, it is nice to have someone to chat to about this publishing thing who understands the ins and outs and vagaries of being a writer. Whilst also trying to be a mother and housewife, otherwise known as being a general servant.

This blog post will not be a long one because I am quite tired today after going to an engagement party last night (Steph – she who stared at vaginas – and Rob are getting married. This announcement followed swiftly after the vagina-staring incident. You may draw your own conclusions). I am also writing it whilst simultaneously having a conversation with my eldest daughter about the relative pros and cons of a gymnastics birthday party versus a Build A Bear birthday party. Oh the traumas of turning nine. Her deciding factors are: fun, how many friends she can take and how long she can make the party last. Her father’s deciding factor is cost. So we’ve been through every single plus and minus point in detail, several times, and I think we’ve eventually arrived at the conclusion that a gymnastics party would be better, with a trip to the Build A Bear shop as a birthday treat. Both, in other words. Her father will be delighted.

As those of you on my facebook fan page will know, my book launch invitations have arrived! They were done very quickly for me, which suited my now now now mentality, so all I have to do is complete my guest list and post them. This is one of the last tasks that awaits me before the launch – I can’t believe how quickly the last eight or so weeks have gone! Before I know it, it will be time to start working properly on Book 2. I did have an urge to do that today actually, but it wore off pretty quickly in favour of reading The Sunday Times. I do love Camilla Long, even if her heels look like they could take your eye out. Oooh, mentioning heels, I like this time of year because my summer wardrobe must take a backseat and my winter one must be updated. Which means New Shoes! I plan to buy them in time for the launch, if they have been manufactured by then. I am very specific about what I want – and my husband is very specific about how much I can spend; I fear that one of us will have to give way. You may place bets on who it will be.