REVELATIONS AND REVELRY

So I didn’t do too well on the looking after children front. Barely a week after Alice was out of hospital following the coin-swallowing episode (bit like sword-swallowing but less interesting and more dramatic) I had to dial 999 because she was choking again. I couldn’t believe it. Neither of my children have ever choked in their lives before and now that the youngest is nearly three and a half she does it twice in a week. Fortunately the issue was resolved without medical attention but it has made me very twitchy about Alice and small objects. Which is a shame because she’s now missing out on things. For example, the lady who does my nails was – er – doing my nails yesterday morning and in between doing my fingers and toes she decided, apropos of nothing, that she would take Alice next door to buy her some sweets. It wasn’t a successful trip in any sense because there was a fair queue of people waiting to be seen who looked thoroughly hacked off, and when she and Alice returned it was with a handful of lollipops which I promptly confiscated, and an ice lolly which Alice licked once and then said “I don’t like it,” in that charmingly grateful way that children do. So I had to eat it. Out of politeness, you understand.

I haven’t been especially productive on the book front either; shame on me. I have a couple of separate projects on the go at the moment. The first is writing my new book, which I am approximately 20,000 words into, but it seems to have staggered to a bit of a halt. Although, to be absolutely fair, I didn’t do nothing towards it over the weekend. By any means. What I did was indulge in some fairly intensive socialising, which is usually where I pick up the best anecdotes that I can adapt into a less recognisable form for my new manuscript. I will generally come away with two to three new stories from an average event. Perhaps up to five if I’m lucky. And very occasionally they drop into my lap during the week. They don’t have to be long-winded stories, sometimes it’s just a name, or a comment someone’s made. Or most recently an absurd new treatment that’s all the rage on the dinner party circuit. Well it sounded absurd to me – ear candles. So you put the candle into your ear and set fire to it. I kid you not. I think the aim is to smoke out your ear and clear the tubes, etc., etc. whilst cleverly leaving the ear intact. But in this day and age of modern, 21^st century medical miracles and marvels, and taking into account the latest, greatest advances for cancer research and the spectacular things that can be done on the operating table (e.g. coin removal) I am a little suspicious of something that you simply put into your ear and set fire to. I have actually seen this advertised as well and the model was smiling – this doesn’t ring true either. I wouldn’t be smiling if my ear was on fire. Anyway, enough of the idiosyncrasies of the wealthy.

My second project is obviously to promote my forthcoming novel (Things He Never Knew, released 24^th September 2010 in case anyone’s missed that bit) and build up a bit of an internet presence. This is very important, and I know that because today I had an email from the novelist Adele Parks whose advice on marketing was definitely centred around the internet. She said – and I quote – “…..with novels I think the most effective marketing is word of mouth, which nowadays is word of internet.” So there we have it. A foray into the more complicated side of the internet is definitely called for. By this I mean more complicated than Hotmail and Facebook, which is where I am usually to be found. Youtube, at a push. But no, this is where Social Media will come into its own I am told. But I’m struggling a bit. First off, I had no idea how to set up a website and now that there is one I have no idea how to maintain it nicely. I am entirely dependent on others. Then there’s this blog which I’ve just about got the hang of (though I admit to having written instructions on how to post a blog which I refer to every so often). And then there’s Twitter…….which isn’t going so well for me. I think I have two, maybe three followers? If it wasn’t so important I would be laughing. Because it’s quite funny. But it isn’t the done thing to laugh at your own ineptitude when others are working hard on your behalf. You must be seen to take it seriously. So therefore I must work out how to attract more followers – I mean how hard can it be? I manage it very well in real life. But to continue, once you have: a website, a blog, a facebook page, a Twitter account, it isn’t enough just to maintain them and coax people into looking at them. They must be all be discreetly linked together so if one is updated the others must magically follow, like the children and Pied Piper of Hamelin. This I find quite tricky also. My children never follow me anywhere.

So you see I have a lot to be getting on with and many new things to be mastered. All of the above, plus general childcare which today has involved dealing with a weeks worth of faeces in one go. I’ll leave that bit there because her father was horrified enough for all of you when he learned the details. And then there’s packing and preparing for my forthcoming trip to Wales this weekend. Which is where my wetsuit comes in for surfing. I think packing my camera must be a priority. Also, I need to keep on top of the publication preparations, ensuring that I receive my advance copies in a timely manner; that should be this week. AND my laptop broke today which nearly caused a meltdown from me because that is just about the worst thing I can imagine at this point. Oh and I forgot – book launch plans must be clarified and set into motion very soon as well. So I really do have a lot of things to do. In addition to which my eldest daughter has just said to me, in all seriousness and in relation to her hamster: “Also Mummy, if you have some spare time, he really does like to be hand fed through the bars.” All right darling, tell you what, you peel the grapes and I’ll push them through, shall I?

Next time: some questions will have been answered – did I survive the surfing? Did I manage to get the wetsuit off? Have I received my advance copies? Are the launch party plans running smoothly? And last but not least – is the hamster deigning to eat from his bowl??